Running time: 47:37 mins
Intro
One darling must leave the other darling because it’s almost Crowley Time.
Theme
Tom is in the middle of nowhere in a luxury yurt on land owned by Tez Tucker (the Home Counties), getting away from civilisation and avoiding the burnout that 20-year-old billionaire YouTubers talk about.
Tez had his sense of fear removed by gamma ray bombardment. He is hunting employees who ask for holiday pay or unionise.
Tom finds effigies made of sticks hanging in the trees. Tom ventures further into the dense trees and finds a tied-up bushel of sticks on the path.
After going through the correspondence with Saveloy and Wingnut, the little lemon from the 3:37 sketch runs past.
More effigies are found, but they are made of spaghetti, not sticks, with a note saying ‘De Cecco’ not ‘deceased’. The human figure effigies are wearing chef hats and have comically large penises. Could they be made by Marco Di Poni??? Go to Crowley Time Live at London Podcast Festival on September 14th to find out more in The DiPoni Contingency.
The little lemon is still on the loose in the outro..
Sketches
(3:37)
Citrus Advocacy Board meeting. Jerry hates the phrase “If life gives you lemons, make lemonade”. So hard to market lemons (even on Pancake Day). Peanut butter as a grotesque parody of fruithood. A genetically engineered talking sentient lemon is introduced. Imelda wonders if this is real. Graham likes the way it bounces around on its bottom. Jerry wonders about the ethical questions around creating self-aware life in fruits and other objects. The lemon is asked what it wants: it wants to be free. It escapes but the CAB don’t seem too worried.
(10:46)
Old timey newsreel/radio programme discussing the Wetherby Institute in the state of Missouri, founded by Governor Wetherby using 98% of the state’s budget and dedicated to researching man’s ability to communicate telepathically with camels. The audio is being used as the evidence for the prosecution in the case against Gov. Wetherby airdropping camels onto protestors angry at misuse of state funds.
(16:38)
Obnoxious vapist in a station complaining about passer-by walking through the vape ‘smoke’ from their massive MaxiVape Orgasmotiser (on illegal import from Abu Dhabi/any vape shop near a train station), which has a screen for watching Netflix without headphones and a travel pistachios shucking attachment.
Answerphone
(9:09) Owner of a plastic burning plant is pleased to have moved to the country and to never encounter Just Stop Oil again.
(16:10) Song about Hans Christian Andersen and his hairy/smelly cobblers.
Correspondence
(Sorting Room opens at 21.54)
Saveloy rings Tom while he’s on his work retreat/holiday with the following letters:
- Paul C from Kansas has placed Crowley Time stickers onto magnets of ghouls. They can be seen at #crowleytimemonstermagnets.
- Tom (not that one) is outraged at the slight increase in Patreon fees and has upped his patronage even more than was asked. He also asks about Lou Rawls’ name being problematic in the UK market, but he got around it by performing under the name Bog Paper. * Letter of the Episode *
- A question for Wingnut, who happens to also be in the woods on a school trip with Miss Trebuchet, learning about moss. Purple Strawberry writes asking Wingnut for advice about her boss using her desk at work (including her Three Bean Salad mug, which must be explained as a concept to Saveloy). Wingnut describes how his mummy goes to her parents when she needs space, but always comes back, then has ‘a bit of a talk’ with Wingnut’s daddy. Perhaps Purple Strawberry could also have ‘a bit of a talk’ with her boss?
And remember
You can fool some of the people all of the time, or all of the people some of the time, but you can’t lick your own elbow.
Link Tangent
(30:27)
Space Year 7
Space Month: Bevtembron
Link has been invited as Guest Speaker to the Intergalactic Convention of Space Cartographers and Stationery Salespersons (the ICSCSS) on Bathtub 9’s Conference Dome with its fully visible domes, necessitating Link having to stay on his vessel, Spacecar, and its wall-mounted sleep restraint cocoon (cosy!). Link’s talk was on the use of spirit levels in zero gravity. He is filling in for Space Elvis, who had pulled out. Little Dribbles, in his travel case, was checked in at the conference’s reception dome. Link’s rival, Trace Parallel, Space Cartographer – looks like a pregnant stick insect chewing a wasp (gentleman’s blubber comes as standard for space cartographers) – tries to destroy Link with plasma cannons during his keynote address. Little Dribbles sensed danger to his mama (Link) and attacked Trace, biting his face off. Trace disappears (but his face is found on a ball that rolled over it).
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