Running time: 48:23 mins
Intro
Speech from Porridge but with Norbert Stephen Butler being sentenced to Crowley Time.
Theme
The briefness of autumn and sexy cat leotards.
Sketches
(3:25)
Matthew and Mr Frenellum post-meeting discuss Matthew feeling undermined and anxious (but not an anxiety disorder) and abandoned in a specific situation (but not abandonment issues since childhood). Not being able to eat dinner is not an eating disorder and something being a bit depressing is not depression. Mathew’s feelings about the way Mr Frenellum behaves in the workplace cannot be medicated away. Also (47:20) for Mr Frenellum receiving a call that Matthew has been killed by a wrecking ball, but because Matthew didn’t leave a note mentioning the company of Mr F, he’s not obliged to care about it.
—
(38:05)
Massive Walkers podcast, hosted by Vince Farago. Sponsor: Econaturganic smoothies (and money). Vince has snuck onto their premises to test their 100% organic claim. He spots people putting floor sweepings and used johnnies in the juicer, then a sheep goes in, then a cow, then their Geordie representative, Ricardo, and finally Vince himself.
—
Marek’s latest Cool Dudes Walking Club video on YouTube features Tom and Marek walking through Gravesend in Kent, with comments below the video pointing out Tom’s resemblance to Richard Stilgoe
Answerphone
(8:01) The caller is often told he is a boring person and sometimes spontaneously falls asleep.
(16:17) Someone who has studied Marco’s Italy video and the clues tell him that Marco has turned into a reptilian chameleon creature.
(36:43) Someone complaining about the bad language on the show rubbing off on young Hydrangea who called him a nincompoop, causing him to spit out his Gaviscon. Tom should be considered chastened as fuck.
Correspondence
(Sorting Room opens at 14:47)
Sorting Room access gained by coughing on a scanner. Cosy autumn atmosphere because of Saveloy letting one off after eating a pumpkin pie. Saveloy is passionately opposed to capital punishment, so hates Guy Fawkes Night. He used to be called Red Saveloy (appropriate because of the sausage). Saveloy tours the bonfires of the UK dressed as Fawkes’ corpse to scare children into raising awareness for Amnesty International. Mr Christmas pops in to plug official Crowley Time merchandise and threaten Tom (“You mess with Christmas, you get the holly.”). He’s currently buried in digital copies of Discount Bin, made in a wasteful fashion involving jewel cases and single-use plastic. Mr Christmas whisks Saveloy/Guy off to “light him up” and sets fire to a bin, which stinks.
- Colin Arnott with a manageably long email, offending Saveloy by mentioning his hessian folds, singing an HMS Pinafore-style ditty about Crowley Time eps past and bigging up the News section of crowleytime.com (Tom’s various appearances on other shows listed, including Wooden Overcoats winning Gold! at the podcast awards).
- Sephy Poulter really wants Discount Bin so has gotten rid of all of their music, given up their job, and is roaming the earth asking if people have heard the good news about Trovey Bucksheath in episode 28. * Letter of the Episode *
Next episode when?
When the snarky, self-referential, sexually explicit reboot of Bill and Ben the Flower Pot Men is greenlit.
And remember
When there was only one set of footprints in the sand, that was when Tom carried you, and when there was one set of footprints and a long sort of trench beside them, that was when Tom got tired and dragged you up the beach. It’s hard to carry people and it’s a long way.
Marco DiPoni
(9:37)
Andy and Mandy haven’t had Marco with them in the ‘AM in the Morning’ studio for a while. Marco has been sharing videos online of his trip to Italy, including time spent at the Trevi Fountain and the Colosseum and pointing out various guys who sell him coke sometimes. But since then, he has been missing and not turning up to ride the London Eye naked once a week. International manhunt led by Interpol’s Darren Lipshitz and Scotland Yard. Interpol = interdependent polyamory. Tamzin Outhwaite hasn’t seen him since she maced him at the BAFTAs. Look for traces of Marco, e.g. empty Bailey’s bottles on waste ground. Scarlett Moffatt’s theory: Marco may have transformed into a reptilian chameleon creature and blended in with his furniture.
Mike Shinbone
(27:08)
Mike lives in a house his mother paid for with 30 years of squatting. He has a 20-ft shipping container full of water-damaged handbags on his lawn that the local residents’ association representative is complaining about. His new Bonehelp therapeutic support app and subscription service incudes mindfulness lessons like Mike telling you to calm the fuck down, meditative visualisation exercises such as Mike describing a fuzzy duckling before telling you to calm down, and a stress-relieving game that’s a pirated copy of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. Support for new parents on the app like empathising that having a kid must suck so that’s why he doesn’t have any. Support for the bereaved: boo fucking hoo. Self-acceptance: accepting your pal Scooter’s plan for a discrete cash payment and a non-watertight 20-ft shipping container full of “Channel” bags. You’re a loser, but at least you’re not a rat-faced residents’ association creep with a fucked-up car. Mike cries at how well-adjusted everyone will be when they have his app. Ends with a fire engulfing the merchandise and Ts&Cs citing non-affiliation with Rockstar Games and eligibility for the Webby awards.
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