Running time: 43:6 mins
Intro
The deck of HMS Wally with Lt Cdr Jonathan Goodbye describing a fleet of ships lit up with fairy lamps in celebration of the king, while inebriated, despite being Ambassador for the British Temperance Movement. HMS Wally’s hull is hit by artillery and the ship sinks.
Theme
Tom is babysitting Sylvester Stallone’s three naughty nephews (Hylvester, Dylvester, and Li’lvester) because Sly doesn’t want to take them on holiday with him.
Sketches
(5:07)
Coming Soon(ish) to ITV1, cold cases investigated by DCI Helena Hoover (played by Suki Farnaby from that other cop/doctor thing, or maybe that was Suranne Jones) in “No Rush”. Struggle to get witnesses to remember stuff from 30 years ago.
—
(10:06)
Bannerman’s of Yeovil’s hand-rolled toilet paper advert. Bog Life’s Gold Ribbon Winner, “Effluent Cleansing Solutions” category.
—
(12:36)
Glovelorn (debut single “Synchronise”, collab with Horrible Dave “Athlete’s Foot”) new single with Patches: “Live Without Sausages”. Makes his music in a council flat in Leeds. Real name: Kevin. Sample lyrics: “I’m going to flip my wig / because you can’t stop tripping on tubular pig” & “You won’t put down that fork / because I’m hot to trot with cylindrical pork”. Olaf Clayface remix “The Sizzle Mix”.
—
(33:59)
“Star Eliminators” TV show: part-time bricklayer Trovey Bucksheath sings “Living in a Box” (but just the “Living in a Box” bit) and the judges are impressed into reassessing the point of competitive singing shows. Music should be a shared celebration.
Answerphone
1. (9:40) Someone impressed by a delectable bunch of swausages.
2. (21:54) Someone asking to play the swausages song again.
3. (38:28) A lady complaining that her husband keeps calling up about the swausages.
Correspondence
[Sorting Room opens at 22:18]
The Stallone nephews are in the Sorting Room and tormenting Saveloy. They trick him into a box addressed to Bora Bora with the lure of custard tarts.
1. Tom (another member of the Brotherhood) recently became the 100th patron of the pod and wonders why he didn’t receive the full pomp and circumstance.
2. A bunch of questions for Wingnut (see below).
Next episode when?
When a rabbit first overpowers a magician and pushes them into the hidden portal inside their hat.
And remember
When you feel so hungry you could eat a horse, be sure to stop at the hooves.
Wingnut
(25:30)
- @songoftheoss asks: Is emotional Twitter detachment a thing? Alan Musk bought the website and murdered the bird of the website which Wingnut’s Daddy likes but his Mummy thinks is full of blowhards with verbal dinerea.
- Peter Shanks asks whether a tramp’s poo done in the woods would still smell. A fox did a poo in Wingnut’s garden, and it did smell. Peter also wishes to pass on his love to Tom, so Wingnut tells Tom that Peter Shanks loves him.
- James Curtis asks about his clients, whose rates are inversely proportional to the good that they do in the world. Wingnut understands money is important because of the way his Mummy and Daddy say “oooh” while pacing around reading bits of paper that have come through the door. He understands work is when you come home saying you’re glad to be free of those arseholes for a few hours. The Philosopher Alan Watts said: be engaged with what you are doing in the here and now and instead of calling it work, realise it is play. * Letter of the Episode *
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