Crowley Time Wiki

Running time: 30:50 mins

1. Recap of the tale

Recap of the tale

• Mastchris: fruity cocktails, barbecued meats, brutal moral lessons, laid-back beach anthems.
• Nations that don’t celebrate Mastchris: Liechtenstein, The Maldives, San Marino, Laos & China.
• Mastchris variations in other languages: Germany = Nachtweiten; France = Enol; The Netherlands = Blaubalen Explosiedag
• Mastchris Eve = 24^th June, when Captain Mastchris and his demon elf crew raid the homes of ill-mannered children to take back their Christmas presents and kill everyone.
• Fat Stephen’s Rest = 26^th June, for sleeping off your rum and pork-based stupor.
• The Angry Maiden airship with its flag, the skull and crossed-forks.
• The demon elves leave novelty sugar skull sweets for the well-behaved children.
• A deckhand elf known as Fat Stephen (FS). Ate a walrus on the night of The Great Freeze. Kind and sharing unlike the other elves. Shared his last rissole with the smallest elf, Runkles.
• Captain Mastchris’s first mate, Sputum, the worst of the horrible elves.
• FS and Sputum visit the skyport, at the top of Mount Finger Peak, for a supply run to the markets for rum and pork.
• FS admits to not enjoying sailing with Captain Mastchris and not seeing the value in brutalising nasty children.
• Screaming Lizzie, the mountain’s resident syphilitic maniac.
• Sputum meets Biffy Spode on the pork stall, a boy whose toy horse present was taken off him when he used it to hit his brother, so he hates Captain Mastchris.
• The pork and rum is back safe on the ship. They head first to Paraguay as it has the most awful kids per capita.
• Once at Nova Scotia, Sputum reveals Biffy is disguised as an elf and stowed away on board, but twice as tall as all the 2ft elves.
• The elves discover their supplies are missing, even Ammonia the Navigator’s parrot, Gobby. FS is framed for the disappearance of the pork and rum and tied to the mast.
• The punishment is lightning-hauling under the thunder clouds.
• The winged pigs taken from the hold are being ridden by Biffy Spode in revenge, the pigs being fired at the airship. FS eats some of the hogs while still tied to the mast, chomping them down like Maltesers. He eats the last hog as Biffy tumbles off and Gobby the parrot returns to Ammonia.
• Biffy tells the captain that Sputum made him do it, so the captain pulls Sputum’s legs off and throws him into a volcano.
• FS finds out he was framed and asks for Biffy to be lightning-hauled.
• FS suffers a meat hangover from eating all the pigs, but is tended to by the crew, and he realises the value of punishing naughty children.
• Captain Mastchris spare us, every one.