Running time: 35:8 mins
Intro
McDurkins gets a dressing down from the Chief and thrown off the case and announces that it’s Crowley Time with his cool gravelly voice.
Sketches
Aesop and Demitrios discuss the latter’s urgent issue with the money lender leading to the fable of the river rat and the hawk. The moral: don’t bullshit Aesop when you haven’t a pot to piss in, or a hawk will eat you.
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The wisdom of the ancients: Mel Brooks keeps all of his charging cables in a pencil case.
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Bingo caller: two little mutant ducks: 33; 53 and then one more: 54; must be Wednesday: 69; snakes alive: 55; snakes dead: 11.
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Alice and Martin discussing a missing person who Alice strangled to death and dismembered into 16 pieces and hid around the city. Then she drowned a coachload of rugby players who spotted her hiding the 16th piece. She also killed the last African black rhino, ate a bat at a wet market in Wuhan, was at the book depository in Dallas.
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The Conservative Party come round to fix Tom’s fridge. The Tory and his friends have a WhatsApp group called Banterbury Cathedral. Two mil to fix the fridge goes on admin fees, Charlie, buildings insurance, and funding increase in ambition of hedge funds.
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Two friends discuss a new romance in a bar, then turn to Aesop for advice, who tells a tale of a little bluebird looking for love, who double-booked to see Bruno Mars with Aesop on the same day she had a date, leaving Aesop £100 out of pocket on top of his losing out over the Abba Voyage tickets. Moral: Aesop is always out of pocket and sitting by himself at the gig like stinky Henderson while the bluebird flies around shitting on people where she may, same as usual. Aesop also delivers some home truths about the bluebird being past her prime.
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Bingo caller: sometimes wonders if it’s ‘himself I hate: 28’. Bingo!
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Call to Roger Moore asking what it’s like to be dead. Half-hour delay (glut of Baby Boomers) then into heaven (how could they not with ‘The Spy Who Loved Me’ and all), which is indescribable but has Mini Golf (with Alec Guinness). This sketch was a pilot for a radio show called “Tom Crowley’s Movie Memories Mix” (available at https://www.patreon.com/c/crowleytime/posts)
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Aesop is asked to help with a jammed copier in an office. He notices too much paper in the tray and starts telling the fable of the little vole and Adam the shrub and reveals Adam’s affair, but it’s “just a little story”.
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Plug for Smershpod’s “Snake Boys” episodes and the new show “Cry Havoc! Ask Questions Later”
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End of episode… back to Alice and Martin listing all of Alice’s crimes, ending with her involvement in the 9/11 attacks.
Answerphone
1. Bank manager refusing £500,000 loan for an erotic cereal shapes company.
2. Tom’s broker won’t invest £100,000 in erotic building site hoardings.
Correspondence
[Sorting Room opens at 16:32]
Saveloy at the Customer Fulfilment Bar next to the koi pond with listener messages on a touchscreen wall. No more cursed, forbidden atmos. Saveloy falls into the sensory deprivation chamber.
1. Colin Arnott peacocking around in a Crowley Time T-shirt, available from http://www.crowleytime.com. He has prepared a sonnet in the style of Elizabeth Barrett Browning.
2. Sumariel (sp?) consumes pods, eats them, in great volume, while at work. * Letter of the Episode *
Call-out for letters for Wingnut for a future episode.
Next episode when?
When an AI screenwriter first writes a film that is objectively better than 1986’s “Howard the Duck”.
And remember
When discussing matters of mouths and gift horses, the number 17 of course is Bingo!
Crowley Time Wiki 