Episode 25: Swan Boat Ride to Hell

Running time: 41:29 mins

Intro

Ghost train announcements

Keywords

Skellanora Profanicata

Creeping the shite out of people for 10 years

Most unsettlingly desirable witch, Glasgow HorrorCon 2012

Horror Channel’s Gold Pissy Drawers award 2018

Scariest/Spookiest Enterprise, Scottish Business Awards 2022

Shockline: 0600 666 666, hold music: Bauhaus, The Cure, ‘Interview with a Vampire’ soundtrack, 8pm to 7am for all your shite-yourself needs

Cobwebsite, skellanora.com with live/undead chat feature

Down the Glasgow necropolis with trusty shovel

—

Speculative Feature: The Prime Minister Who Chose to do Something in the Interests of the British Public

Attending cerebral palsy awareness fundraiser

Guardian review: wildly imaginative world beyond belief

Independent review: ludicrous fantasy of naïve idealism

Mail: what will the pinko, tree-hugging London wokerati dream up next?

—

Mr Christmas (9:10)

Off-season appearance to announce official Crowley Time merchandise

—

Dad and kid watch kids’ show with complicated premise explained in theme tune: Red Rad Blood Rangers

Dracula made three kids superheroes, fighting the Huguenots, John Calvin, cosmic goblins on the Moon

Too much premise

3 kids: McDanny, Lisbeth and the Dauphin (possesses pure joie de vivre)

Mantle creams activate laser beams

… end of episode bit: Dad shows kid a video of a show from when he was little: Major Action and his Individualist Response Team, inc. Slipstream and his carpet bombs. Remember: socialised healthcare is fascism.

Answerphone

1. Twilight Zone intro about nobody listening to Crowley Time.

2. The cryptkeeper needs some new writers to come up with horror-related puns.

Correspondence

[Sorting Room opens at 18:14]

No sign of Saveloy, but there is one of Chuntley’s props – a huge sarcophagus – making the post-room spooky. A strange ‘recording’ of Saveloy’s voice from within.

1. @soapbythea on Twitter re episode 24 and the knight + queen sketch and Thea’s wish to hear him doing all sorts of random tasks for her.

2. @timmitchell1971 on Twitter re episode 24’s coach trip sketch – we all had a Bradley at school.

3. @lourobb (it me!) on Twitter re enjoying the ep while watching her kid at a swimming pool inflatable session.

4. Email from Brett Johnson re Faces of Virtue 6’s Tippi Hedren bit and choking on a cup of tea and scaring a cat. *Letter of the Episode*

Next episode when?

When Elon Musk first has the thought that other human beings might exist and be real.

And remember

You can’t have a rainbow without a little rain, a crossbow without a little cross or a Bilbo without a little Bil.

Sir Chuntley Buffingham

(Timestamp 23:34)

Drama Parlour

Erotic horror classic: ‘Sodom in Cirencester’ by Ned Wheatsheaf

Chapter 1: ‘Frilly Knickers on the Vestry Floor’

Ava Eriksson just off the plane at Stanstead from Stockholm

Ava meets Harry Mephisto

… interrupted by Link’s distress call

Back to Ava and Harry post-coital

… interrupted by Link’s distress call

Back to Ava offering digit-based help

… interrupted by Link’s distress call

Back to Harry who’s just tired

… interrupted by Link’s distress call

Ava gets back on plane home, calling out to Harry not to brag to his demon mates

Very descriptive tale, despite containing more disappointment and embarrassment than Chuntley remembered

Link Tangent

(Timestamp 25:34)

Interrupts Drama Parlour

Urgent Distress Call

Link’s Log, space year: gloyeebix; space month: November

Trusty ship: Spacecar

Mapping the Spicy Tempura nebula

Brown holes (like a black hole but smells worse)

GCC – Galactic Central Command

T93 See Ya Later Shipping Freighter

Cygnosians – long necks and covered in feathers, wings and webbed feet, like Earth swans, but with a human nose

Links finds a long-dead pilot aboard a shipping freighter but had spoken to him minutes before

Raiding the ship’s peanut butter stocks

Are Link and Little Dribbles alone on Spacecar?

… interrupted by Drama Parlour

Back to Link hiding in a ventilation duct from the 8ft-long spindly-limbed being

… interrupted by Drama Parlour

Back to Link having escaped the duct and evading what he thinks is Big Dribbles – is he adult-sized because of the toxic radiation from the Brown Hole? Will Link have to kill his lizard son?

Ceremonial mondo-compass with extra-large spikes

Little Dribbles was hiding in the armoury closet all along

… interrupted by Drama Parlour

Back to Link having killed the creature with the mondo-compass

Shape-changing creature mutating into e.g. breakfast cereal creature, teddy bear creature and ancient philosopher Peter Andre – it was a Morphozoid

Morphozoid launched from Spacecar’s torpedo tubes into the winking centre of the Brown Hole

Link realises how much Little Dribbles means to him

… interrupted by Drama Parlour

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