Running time: 33:14 mins
- Intro
- Named Characters and References
- Keywords
- Answerphone
- Correspondence
- Next episode when?
- And remember
- Sir Chuntley Buffingham
Intro
Norman’s Hypermart staff announcements re Level 4 spillage in Aisle 9.
Named Characters and References
Drag Industrial Complex Boss, Ru Paul
Fengar the Brave of the Winding Valley
Queen Aolia of the Mountain Folk
Lord Valar’s guard
Batman Forever
Bradley
Miss Farouq
Former Secretary-General Kofi Annan
Meryl Streep
Archbishop John Sentamu
Dr Seuss
Peter Cushing
Nigel Kneale
Bernard Cribbins
Josh and Jayden
Listener Malcolm in Grenada
Esme Desormays
Keywords
Theme/runner: Importance of loving ourselves. Mental health and talking absolute shite.
Bold Fengar approaches the throne of Queen Aolia
Flattery as the syrup that slows a man’s wit
Fengar’s task: to open the jar of pickles
The crystal dagger of Utrathan
—-
Public Service Announcement re children on fire
“Don’t be a ‘fuel’, tell your child: ‘Being on fire, isn’t cool’”
—-
Welder who thinks he’s a teacher taking Year 10 on a coach trip (‘Bradley!’)
[character also at end of ep]
—-
Public Service Announcement re girl being followed by the shadow of urinary tract infection
“I shan’t let a UTI get the better of me. I shall raise my hand and ask to go for a wee.”
—-
Comedy actors in serious roles: versatile, sharpened craft… versus comedy writers: facile idiots vomiting out silly jokes.
—-
TC watching TikToks to keep up with latest trends (Among Us, Momo, body shaming)
TikTok woman computer voice (better than Microsoft Sam) insults TC (“pathetic old jizz canister”)
Fear of becoming irrelevant and out of touch
Spirit-level challenge
Deleting the app murders the mind of the TikTok computer-voice woman
—-
Public Service Announcement re Josh and Jayden playing garden games. Tree climbing warning: full of rabid chimpanzees. “Don’t let your children be eviscerated. Get your garden chimps inoculated.”
—-
Interview with actor who voices the PSAs, Esme Desormays, who answers all questions with ‘Yes’ and then asks TC if he would like to know how he’s going to die
Answerphone
1. Menacing tailor will ‘cut you down to size’.
2. No shepherds in Shepherd’s Pie from ‘Mr ASDA’.
3. Menacing tailor will ‘cut you a generous deal on some trousers for being a loyal customer’.
Correspondence
[Sorting Room opens at 17:40]
Saveloy locked in the sorting room again, tempted by bacon sandwich possibly containing emu tranquillisers
1. Leanna Ortel from Kalamazoo, Michigan (TC imagines as a Dr Seuss illustration) writes to ask Chuntley which Peter Cushing Hammer film is his favourite and which is Tom’s. Chuntley calls in to say “(The) Brides of Dracula”. TC would normally say “The Abominable Snowman” but today it’s “Daleks’ Invasion Earth 2150 A.D.” for Bernard Cribbins (RIP).
2. Colin Arnott writes. Saveloy cautions re length, complexity of ideas. TC reads anyway, skipping bits (parachuting animals) in the edit until he’s through the node waves to a higher plane of consciousness, speaking with God (a pyramid with one eye, smoking a joint who does like the Pope (cos he smokes dope)). God advises that TC stick Colin’s letter on Twitter (ed: RIP) under #colinparachuteanimalletter. *Letter of the Episode*
Next episode when?
When a pig first manages to beat a man in a spelling contest.
And remember
Spare some love for grout, the special putty that keeps your tiled surfaces smooth and strong.
Sir Chuntley Buffingham
(Timestamp 19:30)
See Correspondence section.
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