Running time: 15:45 mins
Named Characters and References
Kevin Bishop
Gordon Ramsay
Muppet Treasure Island
Rachel Parris
Keywords
Intro: Keep stocked up on rum and firelighters
Well-behaved lest ye incur the wrath of Captain Mastchris
Sunny, summertime celebration: barbecues, sunbathing, sugary cocktails
Mastchris is not known in Liechtenstein, The Maldives, San Marino, Laos and China
One person (Malcolm) is listening in Grenada
Midpoint between Christmases: 25th June
Pre-Mastchris Eve: decorate with ley garlands, meat/fish/crustaceans for barbecue, replenish rum supplies
Mastchris Eve: 24-June, getting into a real good chill, well and truly flat-out immobile
Mastchris Eve night: Captain Mastchris’s Midnight Raid – feared buccaneer (trademark eyepatch, forked hand and admiral’s hat with skull & crossbones) sails across the night in The Angry Maiden sky-ship, assisted by damned elves (too naughty for the North Pole) seeking out naughty children to steal their Christmas presents back if they’ve been naughty since Christmas, run them (and their families and nearby pets) through with his cutlass and drag them to hell
Mastchris Day: 25-June, Fun in the sun, slow roast a whole hog/Mastchris log for the veggies in a firepit, starting work at 5am. The pit should be 2ft deep and no deeper, to prevent Satan stealing your food. Warning that this barbecuing method causes cancer (68% of cases), scurvy (29%), and your lawn will be a right-off (99%). Gordon Ramsay called it “too much fucking effort”. Most people order a Chinese. Spiced rum for those who drink alcohol, for the others (how do they cope?): peel nog (pureed banana peel, mayonnaise, nutmeg, blended) or nog nog (just nutmeg in your mouth). Watch “Muppets Treasure Island” (but stop when Kevin Bishop’s voice breaks). Parlour Games: “Keelhaul the Mutineer”, “Pin the Tail on the Demon Elf”, “What Does This Hot Dog Look Like?”
Fat Stephen’s Rest: 26-June, The Dropping of the Anchor (putting two Alka Seltzer in a glass of water), groaning, moaning, standing up then immediately sitting down again: the true meaning of Mastchris
Variations on the myth: in the USA, Captain Mastchris is Barko Topher (or Billy Barnacle) and his hand is a spork; in Germany Captain Mastchris is Herr Dämonpirat and he rides a hammerhead shark; in The Netherlands he is Blauweballen.
In the Southern Hemisphere, Mastchris (not proper) celebrated with snow, pine trees, woollen hats, port and hot chocolate (rubbish)
Answerphone
- Sir Chuntley Buffingham wishes a Jolly Mastchris and Big Sweaty Hog.
- Mike Shinbone hopes Barko Topher and the elf guys don’t cut you up.
- Wingnut hopes you can lie around on Fat Stephen’s Rest like his daddy does and not be interrupted by the gas man.
- Link Tangent enjoys a synth-e-log in Space Year 4-and-a-half. Corn went extinct in the 39th century BSY (before space years) so their logs are made of a processed mush made from pubic fungus.
- Douglas Dorkin from episode 1 hopes everyone is taking care of their eyes.
- Marco di Poni is wondering if this is the number to call when worried something is wrong with your balls.
- TV’s Rachel Parris hopes no one you know is killed in the night by pirates.
- Mr Christmas wants us to know that Captain Mastchris, his elves and the entire holiday can get to fu…
Songs
Laid-back acoustic beach anthems:
Oh, Mastchris Girl
The True Meaning of Mastchris
Joy to the World, It’s Mastchris Day
Mastchris variation on “Scrooge” song from “The Muppet Christmas Carol”
Crowley Time Wiki 